Do I Really Let Lauren Re-Enter The Milk Challenge?

So little background on Lauren before we review her application. She was contestant #7 in The Milk Challenge I, The Original Milk Challenge and managed to take home the silver in a devastating upset. Vegas was nearly burnt to the ground that day.

I’d be lying if I said she didn’t deliver on game day, but her attitude off the field is what worries me. Last time I saw this girl it was Christmas Eve 2017. She comes up to me in the middle of the bar, all happy and excited to see me, then slaps me in the ear. Christmas spirit- F. My ear was ringing, couldn’t hear what people around me were saying, it was the Saving Private Ryan Omaha Beach scene. And now she sees the blog for The MIIk Challenge and “coincidentally” drops by to see how I’m doing? It’s just disappointing really. I already spoke with her off-record and told her she’s going to need a strong application, so without further ado:

Greetings, 
I used to be from the neighborhood, but no longer live in the neighborhood, but still consider myself a neighborhood guy. That being said, I believe I make an excellent candidate for the milk challenge II. Please find below a few reasons why the milk challenge needs me:
  • I have red hair
  • I did not slap Danny Conrad
  • I have weak bones
  • REDEMPTION 
  • I went to the best grammar school 
  • I like white liquids
Now to answer your shitty prompt questions: 

Would you be wiling to place your right hand on the bible during the Milk Challenge II opening ceremonies, as well as stand up for the anthem?

Yes

Do you gag at the sight of others throwing up?

No, it actually turns me on 

What is/was your go-to ice breaker on the first day of class?

I have a third nipple 

What will you do if you win The Milk Challenge II?

Go to Disney World! 

What is your social security number?

666
Also, I see that you are considering allowing chocolate milk. Would you consider strawberry milk as well? 
I look forward to hearing back from y’all. 
Thanks, 
Lauren (Milk Challenge I Runner Up) Paus

 

Couple things here. So for starters it looks like instead of apologizing about slapping me we’re just gonna pretend like it didn’t happen. Secondly, as stated in yesterday’s blog, we’re still debating on allowing the use of chocolate milk and now this girl is asking about strawberry? Could have just ruined it for everyone. Lastly, I didn’t think it was possible to have this many sexual undertones present in an application to compete in a milk challenge but here we are.

Now for the interesting factor in all of this:

So I’ve been held hostage in a group text between Lauren and her friend Jenny for about 3 years. Such topics include gossip, which blouse to wear tonight, and boy talk. Fun Fact-I don’t even know who they’re talking about ever because they both live in different states. That being said, Lauren hits up the group chat saying that she needs me to buy her airfare from Washington DC (just assuming she’s got a locked spot).

If you recall from the last milk challenge, I had a $100 one-way side bet with Lauren that she wouldn’t win. She just had this irrational amount of confidence going in. In her defense she thought that once you puked you were still able to keep chugging the milk, but that is just an outrageous assumption on her part. So to carry over the tradition I will agree to pay you back the cost of your airfare at the end of The MIIlk Challenge if and only if you win. And, show this next part to your lawyers, to win doesn’t mean being the last one standing. To win is to finish the contents of gallon and not vomit until 1 minute after the hour.

Mind you that I am now also being forced to take part in this challenge because I didn’t compete in the last one, which is textbook bullshit, but that just means you’re going up against me this time around. I may not win, but I will definitely make you lose. I was going to say that I would stick my fingers down your throat before letting you not puke, but based on your application I feel that you may enjoy that. The airfare right now is almost $300 so I’m legitimately prepared to choke to death on my milk before losing to you. Needless to say – STATUS: APPROVED. See you on game day.

1 comment on “Do I Really Let Lauren Re-Enter The Milk Challenge?

  1. Pingback: The Milk Challenge Welcomes Matthew Tisza As Its Newest Contestant

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