There Are Reports Of Illegitimacy Surfacing About The Milk Challenge

Since the announcement of the second coming of The Milk Challenge there have been false accusations flying in from east and west. This is the dark side of The Milk Challenge that I try to hide from the public. The fighting, the complaining, the broken relationships, life after fame, etc. I don’t even feel like blogging right now so just know that I’m going out of my way to address certain reports of “illegitimacy” and “corruption” from former (losing) contestants. I don’t want to use the term sore losers but I will. You try to orchestrate a simple get-together for your friends and somehow become public enemy #1. Fascinating.

As commissioner (for the record there have been zero requests for my resignation), I am going to address this as carefully and ethically as one in my position can.  Let me make this clear before our new writer Intern Tim Byrne logs onto the site to edit me mid-blog (every author on our website has the power to go in and change another author’s words, should pan out well) I understand the argument as to why consuming more milk is more important than lasting longer in the hour without throwing up. I agree with that and contrary to other testimonies I always have. The cause of Intern and I’s debate about this topic traces back to the night of December 29, 2014. Intern felt that he deserved to go home with the silver in The Milk Challenge I, The Original Milk Challenge instead of Lauren after consuming more milk than she did. On paper that sounds fair but you had to be part of the crowd -part of history- that day in order to understand why this has been such a point of contention.

This is an excerpt from Intern’s application that will be posted later this week:

“And let me begin by clearing the air on how milk challenges work: This is about who can drink the most milk within an hour. Everyone’s goal is to drink a gallon of milk. The goal is NOT to try to outlast the other contestants. Everyone who throws up loses, regardless of time. I will admit I was the second person to throw up in Milk Challenge I, The Original Milk Challenge. But I also drank the second most amount of milk! The second most milk consumed means I was the second closest to finishing the entire gallon. Which means runner-up in Milk Challenge #1 was Tim Byrne. Not Lauren. If Lauren got in to Milk Challenge II because of her title as “runner-up,” then her seat should be forfeited to me, the rightful Runner-up, immediately.”

As a democracy we can all agree if one’s strategy is to only take say 3 sips of milk so that they can last longer than someone who is leaving it all out on the field, then they deserve a lower ranking and potentially a tar and feathering. However, that was simply not the case here. Once again both of the contestants in that scenario would have lost either way, whether it be they didn’t consume all of the contents or took a trip to the toilet. So I don’t know why certain parties coming forth feel the need for me to clear the air on this, but let’s go back in time to tackle this before TMZ creates a false narrative.

As much as it destroys me to defend Lauren, it wasn’t like she was taking 1 sip every 20 minutes. If Intern and Lauren were neck-in-neck in the homestretch and both of them puked then obviously the one with less milk would be the “winner” in that hypothetical. But once again that’s not what went down that day in history. The first whistle blows and everyone begins drinking at a moderate, similar pace with the exception of the 1st two disqualified contestants who basically puked during the opening ceremonies. Strong display of zero athleticism. Intern on the other hand began devouring milk instantly and at an aggressive rate. By the end of it all Lauren had roughly 37% of her gallon remaining, bowing out at the 48 minute mark (last one standing besides Gill), while Intern had roughly 26% and projectile vomited at minute 17. If you want to go balls out like that right off the bat then free will grants you that right, but you can’t say that’s a concrete strategy for a competition that is an hour long. Intern was the 3rd disqualified contestant with 5 still remaining in battle. The 5 being two 16 year-olds, two girls (no offense), and Gill (offense).

Seen: Intern puking in the form of a piss stream.

As I’ve stated MAYBE if you didn’t projectile until say the 40 minute mark I could see your stance Intern, but as judge I had to make that call. Mind you some of us are trying to put on a show for the people in the arena here while you’re off stage in the middle of the first Act. Even If I were to bring you back out to present you with the silver at the end, the audience wouldn’t even remember you since it had been such a long time since they last saw you. Demanding the “runner-up” title after puking so prematurely like that is ludicrous. I will not take part in this “everyone gets a trophy” revolution.

Look, The Milk Challenge is all about the theatrics. I don’t want to see a contestant puke within the first couple minutes the same way Dana White doesn’t want to see a fighter get knocked out in the 1st round. We want to see the 4th quarter struggle. So let’s just allow the judges to do their jobs. Venmo is open for bribery.

PS- If we want to get into the nitty gritty of this – Intern yacked after seeing contestant #6 yack. I could have just said that first thing and this 5 Act blog could have been over before it started. Being someone who pukes at the sight of puke could be problematic while being in an event where everyone is basically puking in your face, but we’ll dissect that in Intern’s upcoming application blog.

1 comment on “There Are Reports Of Illegitimacy Surfacing About The Milk Challenge

  1. Pingback: Breaking: Intern Tim Byrne Will Be Replacing Me In The Milk Challenge II

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