Bad Press: Degree – Water Break

Bad Press: They say there is no such thing as bad press. This is the place where we put that to the test. Commercials are a dying artform. With less demand, the supply becomes uninspiring. This is the place where we overanalyze the commercials that irritate me.

In today’s number, we take a look at this gem from Degree.

 

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The Martin Van Buren High School Basketball team has been the laughing stock of the league for the past two decades. But this year would be different, after hiring Coach Petticoat. He was always a controversial coach, but his record speaks for itself. When he showed up to Van Buren he knew he had his work cut out for him. But he found talent in an outcast who hung out underneath the bleachers. He could bring Van Buren back to state. Coach was sure of it ever since he saw his spin move.

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Of course, Hot Shot Johnson wouldn’t just be handed a spot on the team. Coach Petticoat had to show Hot Shot he would turn up the heat at any moment. Coach has a sweat fetish, or a sweat-ish, if you will. The new kid had to gain his teammates’ respect and no better way than to throw him into the fire, Coach thought. This thermostat doesn’t even have numbers on it, but we are led to believe it is easily 100 degrees in there. If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen, as they say. It’s a power move whispering into a megaphone. First day of practice, and coach is setting the tone early. These kids know that they will be dealing with a psychopath all season.

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Coach tells the team it’s time for a water break the same way Buffalo Bill tells you to put the lotion in the basket. There is no profession better suited for villainry than high school gym teacher. And the only reason Johnny Hot Shot isn’t sweating is because he’s not taking practice seriously. And that means nobody gets water. Cruel and unusual punishment at its finest. They don’t teach the 8thamendment here at MVB. And if they did, it’s not like it would stop Coach.

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Get the weak stuff out of here. Look how sweaty this idiot is. You don’t get to quench your thirst until I say so. And now the whole team is furious with the new kid. Coach hasn’t even learned his name yet. He just says, “nobody drinks until this guy sweats.” Well, Johnny would show Coach and the whole town alike that he was more than just ‘this guy.’ He was ready to put Van Buren back on the map.

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Martin steals the show, however. Imagine what’s about to go down here. Coach exits the scene and Martin, former Team MVP before Johnny showed up, turns to Johnny in anger. “What the hell, man? I’m thirsty. And if you don’t want to sweat, I’m gonna make you sweat.” And Johnny storms off saying his life was fine before basketball. Johnny doesn’t need friends. But he needs basketball. He wants to return glory to the Van Buren Boys. Johnny and Martin would have to swallow their pride for the team. And over time, they would learn they were not so different, leading to a friendship that would last a lifetime.

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Look at this death stare. Little does Johnny know, he is staring at the man who will call on him for the game winning shot in the state semi-finals. And although Johnny will have missed the shot, by the end of the season Coach Petticoat and Johnny will have both learned lessons much bigger than basketball. And when Johnny reluctantly asks Coach Petticoat if he would be so kind as to hand Johnny his diploma on graduation day; Coach Petticoat will look at Johnny with a smile and nod. “Thank you, Coach,” said Johnny. “Don’t sweat it,” said Coach.

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And finally, the good old-fashioned disclaimer for the guy in Arizona walking around in 126-degree weather smelling like garbage. I sweat just thinking about 90-degree weather. Imagine walking around in 125-degree weather and expecting not to sweat. Gotta give it to Degree here though. It sent a message that it could handle the heat. So, when Kenneth from Arizona tries to bring a lawsuit on them, the company will turn to the camera and say, “Sorry, sir. You are a day late and one degree short.”

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