The Milk Challenge Welcomes Contestant #5

I’m starting to feel like an inner city teacher orchestrating a field trip here – I know this will be a fun event for everyone, but it’s a huge risk for me personally. Especially with the unveiling of contestant #5. Nicky Blasts is a walking talking liability. I told him I’d consider adding him to the lineup and apparently that wasn’t a good enough answer because he texted me back saying if I didn’t he would hold my little brother hostage? I guess families are getting involved now? This guy is about to make me go Liam Neeson on him all because of some milk. It’s people like this that make me feel like I need to make everyone sign a waiver before entering. As the one who is liable for anything that goes off the rails here, this has my blood pressure hitting new milestones. Here is Nicky’s application that took him 4 weeks to write:


Mon, Aug 13, 4:12 PM

to me

Yes I’ll put my hand on the book. Br. Mike would wanna piece of me if I didn’t.

No I don’t gag at others puking. I get after it makes me more motivated.

Don’t remember much from high school on first day of class. The teachers looked at my mug and already knew the ice was broken and they are in for it.

What would I do if I win the milk challenge easy. I’m going to jets. Me and tisza are most likely gonna look like the hardy boys at this event and we both will hands down have the same mentality going into it.

My social security number is the address of Jets

Thought this whole time that because of how long it took him to apply that I’d be waiting on some 3 page essay with footnotes and a bibliography, but instead we get sentence fragments and missing periods. Love it.

Don’t get me wrong, Nicky Blasts is aces in my book, but there’s something that happens to people as soon as they enter the Milk Challenge ring that I know will activate Nicky’s demons. He is going to come in like a wrecking ball and leave covered in someone else’s blood. People were telling me not to let him on, that he’s too much of a hazard, that I have too much on the line – I’m Dr. Dre after he first signed Eminem right now. But with great power comes great responsibility, which I will continue to demonstrate. As soon as Blasts texted me “I just wanna blast milks,” (after he threatened to take a family member of mine as ransom) he earned his passion points from me and will hereby be allowed a chance at the title. We will be seeing you on game day Nicky. If you don’t sprint through the door with some sort of WWE entrance then you’ve already lost.

Updated 2018 Milk Challenge roster: Dug from Dunning, me (more news on that later), former losing contestant Lauren, Tisza, and now Nicky Blasts. Vegas has predicted Nicky to finish at #2 right behind Dug from Dunning. 3 more slots to fill. I would prefer 1 more lady to gas milks with us. I don’t want to put pressure on the girls here, but now more than ever the world needs equal representation from women.

I still haven’t found a venue that’s cool with us blowing chunks all over their banquet hall, but step by step day by day progress is being made:

I would pay good money to see footage of that call to his landlord. “Hey, have you ever had someone host a Milk Challenge here?” “What the fuck did you just ask me?”  Unreal. Until this guy calls me back my hands are tied. At this point I might have to just buy my parents move tickets or some shit and have the challenge in their basement again. Really not sure why turning the basement into a future national landmark is such a bad thing to them but okay.

In other news, we finally have a gallon inspector-

I was hesitant about this hire because at first Catherine thought that the role of gallon inspector was to simply read the label and tell me what kind of milk it was. I mean the fact that she thought I needed to designate a person to do that was almost insulting. Highly questionable, but at the same time, not too many people are sprinting to the front of the line to be a gallon inspector. Power to you.

PS- I’m calling it now, Nicky is gonna try to do some WWE shit and end up spilling half his milk on the floor. There’s no way he’s leaving the contest not completely covered in the white stuff. Might as well put an asterisk next to his name right now.

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