Tim Byrne <email@example.com>
Hello. My name is Tim Byrne. You might remember me as Contestant #1 in Milk Challenge #1.
Guess who took this picture? Guess who was there to rally the people? Guess who left it all on the floor and played until the whistle? This guy.
And let me begin by clearing the air on how milk challenges work: This is about who can drink the most milk within an hour. Everyone’s goal is to drink a gallon of milk. The goal is NOT to try to outlast the other contestants. Everyone who throws up loses, regardless of time. I will admit I was the second person to throw up in Milk Challenge #1. But I also drank the second most amount of milk! The second most milk consumed means I was the second closest to finishing the entire gallon. Which means runner-up in Milk Challenge #1 was Tim Byrne. Not Lauren Paus. If Lauren got in to Milk Challenge II because of her title as “runner-up,” then her seat should be forfeited to me, the rightful Runner-up, immediately.
(I already addressed this here.)
This is the heart and dedication I will bring to Milk Challenge II.
That is only 2 glasses of milk with 25 minutes to spare. I was in the driver’s seat. This is the skill I bring to the table in Milk Challenge II.
Would you be willing to place your right hand on the bible during the Milk Challenge II opening ceremonies, as well as stand up for the anthem?
Yes. Yes, I would.
Do you gag at the sight of others throwing up?
Yes, so easily. IN fact, the only reason I lost Milk Challenge 1 is because the first puker, Bobby, made me puke. I can’t stand the sight or smell or sound of anyone else throwing up. If you are looking to capture an entertaining vomit on camera then look no further. The only thing stopping me from beating this challenge is other pukers.
What is/was your go-to ice breaker on the first day of class?
I was the best crawler of any baby in the 1993-1994 class of babies.
“A spectacular finish” will be repeated at Milk Challenge II.
What will you do if you win The Milk Challenge II?
Use it as a new ice-breaker.
What is your social security number?
My mom has it written down somewhere.
Don’t kick a founding father out of America.
I would like to state for the record that if my application is received and denied, I volunteer as tribute in place of Danny Conrad. He was a gracious host last time and when he bought all of the milk, we returned to the car and he buckled up the milk for safety, which made me laugh.
Unfortunately for Intern, his application was denied. Fortunately for Intern, I’m a nice enough guy to let him substitute for me. In case you forgot, contestants from The Milk Challenge I, The Original Milk Challenge threw a fit when I didn’t blast milks with them in the first event. The thing was, it was at my (parent’s) house so I needed to maintain order. Can’t be the drunkest kid at your own party. Now I’m sure they’ll all be rioting again once they read this, but as much as I want videos of me spewing milk circulating through Twitter, I know how much this means to Tim. So me being the friend I am, I am choosing to sacrifice all the fun and let Intern have it while I’m stuck commentating on Lauren dry heaving or Blasts shotgunning beers between milk sips.
I’m the last one who wants to bring this up, but it would be really embarrassing if Tim lost again. Like have to start a new life in a different city embarrassing. Between me and you, Intern legitimately thinks he has this in the bag despite his laughable efforts the first time around in The Milk Challenge I, The Original Milk Challenge. He was actually not wrong to call himself a founding father of the challenge because he is what started this franchise. One day him and I were talking food challenges and he mentions how he thinks he can EASILY finish a gallon of milk in an hour with no regurgitation involved. The fact that he was so confident made me want to rip my own scalp off, but instead I decided to make it a televised event so families from all over North America could laugh at him when he failed. If he hadn’t yacked it would have been a very bad look for me, so when I say that Tim puking in the first challenge was top 3 happiest moments of my life I’m not exaggerating –
Anyone who knows me has never heard me laugh like that before. It was a mixture of an evil cackle and pure joy. I was Ursula while she was stealing the Little Mermaid’s voice. Couldn’t recreate that if my life depended on it.
UPDATED ROSTER: Dug from Dunning, Lauren, Tisza, Blasts, Farmer Red, and Intern Tim Byrne. Once more, would really like to have another woman enter. Last thing I need are the feminists calling me out on not having enough females involved.
Reminder – Neighborhood Guys will be doing a live podcast at the 5 star Esquire Motel tomorrow where we will announce the date and location of The Milk Challenge II. If you don’t feel like coming to Esquire and getting an STD as soon as you open the door, then stay tuned on Twitter for the grand announcement @NeighborhooDive. #MilkChallengeII