This past Saturday Eddie, SIMAC, and myself all spent 10 hours cooped up in room number 13 at the Esquire Motel. To those who said we’d never make it, look at us now. Given that my phone’s storage is for some reason always full and I have to delete family member’s contact information every time I want to take a picture, I didn’t capture all the shocking footage that I had hoped to. For locals who pass this fine establishment every day and have always wondered what it’s insides are like, you’re about to find out how hot dogs are made. Allow me to give you a walk-through of our stay as well as the process of dealing with the professionals over at Esquire world headquarters.
For starters, the Esquire doesn’t take reservations. Talk about a professional operation. Eddie walked in 3 different times the week before with cash in his hands and they looked at him like he had 6 sets of nostrils. In their defense, no one has probably ever tried to book in advance at the Esquire before. Ed also asked if we could have 3 people in our room instead of their law stating only 2 were allowed at all times (even though we were planning on having half the neighborhood belly to spine in their at some point) and they said absolutely not. We continued to test the waters and asked if even 1 friend could stop by for a whole 30 seconds and they still said no shot. We’re talking concentration camp type polices here.
Ed didn’t want to go back into the Esquire’s booking room (also their dining room/family room/kitchen) because the owner and him were seconds away from a ladder match earlier that week, so he made me do it. Now I get to put my name down under a motel room that I know we’re going to get kicked out of. For sure.
I walk in to what seems like an Indian American family party. There is an old man sweeping in his bare feet and a woman screaming “what you want?” at me, so right off the bat I know I’m dealing with a legitimate establishment. I pay for the room and she tells me I’ll get my remaining $5 in change once I give the key back. Quite the system. And when I say she gave me a key, I don’t mean a card. I mean an actual gold, rusty skeleton key.
We were worried about the Esquire conference room hearing the circus we would have going on in our room, so luckily we got the room directly above their office/house. Can’t catch a break in this dump. We enter the room, rubber gloves on and breath being held tight, and instantly we get a whiff of cigarettes from a non-smoking room. There must have been some risk takers in room number 13 before us, but to be fair everyone is a risk taker if you’re booking a room at the Esquire on Elston. We continue to make our way through the rest of the room and the same amount of fear is entering me as if I were making my way through a dark jungle.
Aside from the smoke/curry air freshener stench, there is an old pizza crust on top of our 1980’s box TV, sausage on the carpet, black tar in the tub, and a non- utilized lampshade in the corner. I’ve been trashing this place this whole article, but at least the maid service here is good. I’ll give them that. We were planning on ordering room service just to get a reaction from them, but our room phone wasn’t plugged in nor was there a jack to even plug it in ourselves. They might as well have just had that toy Tommy the Telephone on our table. Some of the other notable features included bloodshed on the bed sheets, the pair of socks from How the Grinch Stole Christmas under our bed, and what looked like a diarrhea stain chilling on my side of the bed. The Bates Motel got better Yelp reviews than this place. I mean all it takes is a little effort and maybe a new bed sheet every 6 months, but I guess their hands are too full with whatever they’re running a front for at this building.
We had a plethora of brave individuals coming in and out speed dating style throughout the day, and we thank everyone for risking their health and coming into our .01 star room with us. We eventually got the boot at about 12:30 AM after the lady knocked on the door and saw 6 of us in there. Being that there was a camera and a tripod set up in front of 6 grown men, she had no choice but to suspect some homosexual on screen activity was taking place, but that’s not even the top 10 strangest things she’s seen there before. So we packed up, I got my $5 back, were politely asked to never come back again (do not need to tell me twice), and got out of dodge. All in all, interesting day.
The podcast will be dropping tonight. Some of the more memorable moments include the reveal that Mac puts ketchup on his gyros, Eddie busts out the snow blower at 3 in the morning, Vegan Jon said he would eat pizza sausage that’s been on the floor of the Esquire for probably 3 decades for a whopping $25, and Dug from Dunning shaves his balls every quarter. Tune in tonight for more here
While you’re at it subscribe to Square Up Pod to make your gambling addiction worse than it already is – https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/square-up/id1428898835?mt=2