We Should Declare Devon/Milwaukee-Devon/Central An Official Racetrack

When you’re waiting for the light to turn green at Devon/Milwaukee:

The stretch on Devon between Milwaukee and Central might as well be a professional racetrack. Not quite sure what’s in the air over there, but for some reason, as soon as that light turns green you’re Dale Earnhardt Jr.  It’s an impromptu drag race every time. Maybe it’s the surrounding Caldwell Woods on both sides making you feel like a hillbilly on a dirt road, maybe you’ve just always thought the speed limit was 140.  It’s like everyone immediately becomes a product of the environment. You got moms revving their engines giving out death stares and shit, Asians clocking in at 95. It’s every man for themselves. The best part is you can’t even go slow if you wanted to.  Even if you’re going 80, you’re still going to have a line of cars honking behind you with their heads out the window. I could be going the speed of light and still end up eating some Grandma in a used Camry’s dust. Once I make it to Central, I’m expecting to drive up to balloons with my family congratulating me, maybe have some dude taking my vitals telling me to follow his finger, announce I’m going to Disney World. But every time I just end up at a backed up intersection trying to catch my breath while waiting an hour and a half for a freight train to pass.

The reason I’m writing this is because taking this speedway is dangerous to people who don’t realize it’s Purge road. I’m talking about those not familiar with this part of town – mothers who were just taking their kids to get ice cream and wound up in the Indy 500. Now obviously everyone is not just going to start obeying the law and going the limit, so the logical thing to do here is declare this area an official racetrack. If you don’t want to go toe-to-toe with the dad next to you then that’s fine, take another route live another day. But for all the reasonable people reading this – The gist of it is to have some dude with the black and white checkered flags in his hand standing in the middle of the intersection all day shooting blanks in the air every time the light turns green. Maybe have a PIT crew at the half way mark waiting to change the tires on your 08 Corolla and squirt water in your mouth. We’ll even throw in a speed cam and have it be like the photoshoot before a big drop on a roller coaster. Once you get to Central you got a 1,000 inch plasma dangling from the stoplight displaying your picture with the option to pay $29.99 for your own portrait. I’ve spoke to some people about making it happen. Still waiting on a couple calls back.

When some asshole parks on Devon.

2 comments on “We Should Declare Devon/Milwaukee-Devon/Central An Official Racetrack

  1. Wrecking_Crew_OG

    How else are you supposed to run away from your Ozone regrets?

    Like

  2. Wrecking_Crew_OG

    How else are you supposed run from your Ozone regrets?

    Liked by 1 person

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