I think we might just need to build a wall right along Canfield to separate EP from Amityville over there. We’d be sacrificing DQ, but our chances of survival are going to sky rocket. I blogged this last week when a girl with a gunshot wound was found in Trader Joe’s parking lot – whenever some sort of crime occurs in Park Ridge it starts to get tragically out of hand. Turns into 4 days of pure terror every time. It’s like they need to get it all out of their system at once or something. Just let them have their 7 day purge so they can get back to walks through the park and family game nights. By the end of it all I’ve nearly blogged myself to death trying to keep the citizens informed. I’m like hunched over trying to catch my breath with 4 fractured fingers and shit. Now we have people getting shanked in the middle of Starbucks at 5 in the afternoon. You shouldn’t even be drinking coffee that late but we won’t get into semantics here.
Apparently (according to these interviews), Starbucks messed up a guy’s latté then a dude behind him in line kind of just told him to deal with it? War: initiated. Next thing you know people are getting massacred. Guy starts swinging a knife around like he was cutting his way through a jungle. Full grown men in the fetal position under the table praying to God for the first time. People were saying the place was a blood bath. Walls painted bright red. Then while the dude is gushing blood, still unsure if he’ll be able to keep his left hand or not, he decides that he’s not going to be pressing charges? Low key craziest part of the whole story. The dude’s a step away from a closed casket wake and he’s like “You know what, nah. You’re good man” These people. They’re like the sour patch kids in the commercials. Well, be on the look out for the next battle. It’ll probably be in like 10 minutes. Stay under your basement stairs until further notice.
PS- Keep in mind this all started over a latté. So Park Ridge it hurts.