First off, shout out to everyone who came out on Saturday. As I’ve learned, there’s no easy way of running an event where 8 kids throw up in an establishment for everyone on the internet to witness with no downside to other parties involved. I guess there’s something in the health code violation book about people projectile vomitting so close to a kitchen..? Yeah, doesn’t make sense to me either. But big thanks to Johnny from Jets for keeping this from being a complete disaster and getting us some school buses to move this shit show elsewhere.
Given that everything we do ends up crumbling to pieces, everything technically went according to plan since the plan was always for this to somehow go off the rails. That aside, let’s zero in on some of the biggest takeaways from The Milk Challenge II.
1. How quickly Intern Tim Byrne puked after Farmer Red threw up in his face
I told everyone that Intern puked literally immediately after seeing Bobby puke in The Milk Challenge I, The Original Milk Challenge. It was the same song and dance this time around. Farmer Red sabotaged Tim by taking Tim’s bucket and chucking into it in front of his face. Approximately 1 second later Tim donated his breakfast into that same bucket.
and then fire-hosed the grass with the rest.
Intern really screwed anyone who bet the Snappy Dog’s bucket out of some serious dough. Tough horse to bet on.
2. The Board of Gladstone Park knows who we are?
So Johnny the Jets owner called me and said, “I got good news and bad news. Good news is this thing is becoming pretty popular, bad news is now I don’t think I can have people throwing up in my place of business that also serves food for everyone on the internet to see.” Fair. Shout out to him for buying us cases for the bus and the bus itself. Eddie already said this, but it felt good to be back in the woods where it all started, once again causing chaos. Never forget your roots.
3. Dug from Dunning actually beat the challenge
I know that this whole day was mostly just all of us being idiots while watching our friends chug milk and projectile, but the next day I though to myself, “wow I am very proud of Douglas.” He was as serious as one could be when competing in a milk challenge and then some. We’re talking trial gallons, hype videos, and even retirement. The man went out on top and the crown couldn’t be worn by a better competitor.
4. Nicky was annihilated and still drank an entire gallon of milk
So Nicky came in second place, but I was honestly in a state of shock when he managed to beat the challenge. The kid showed up at Jets looking like a garbage can (no offense), took down a couple screw drivers, and then drank 128 ounces of green milk. People are calling it the Miracle in Caldwell Woods.
5. The dad couldn’t walk the walk.
I said on twitter.com that all I wanted out of Saturday was for forty 23-28 year-olds to be laughing at the dad while he was puking into a bucket. Would have made for some remarkable snap stories. Unfortunately, he abandoned his post. He is who we thought he was. And to think that people laughed when I brought up the idea of all contestants singing a contract. Live and learn.
Stay tuned for our website’s next event. I have no idea what it will be and if we’re being honest I have no interest in planning it, but I will and it will be just as ridiculous as this one. Thanks again to the greatest neighborhood in the USA for all of the support and entertainment on Saturday.