Editor’s Note: I am starting a mini series of blogs called ‘This Week in Past Employment’ where I tell stories about the shit jobs I’ve had, mainly since they’ve been all over the place in ridiculous fields.
AT YOUR SERVICE
Many people in Chicago have heard of Andy Frain, as the name is synonymous with Chicago stadiums. Andy Frain has ran services for all Chicago sports teams, most notably the Cubs, Blackhawks, and Bears. At Your Service was the modern day version of offering these services, at Comiskey Park and the United Center. I worked for this company towards the end of High School, so we will ball park it somewhere between 1999-2002.
Comiskey Park was fun, because the atmosphere is great, right? Who doesn’t love watching baseball! Well, count me out, considering we worked all summer, inconsistently (long home stands, then barely anything) and had to wear black slacks, a thick ass fake jersey, and black dress shoes, and stand in the fucking heat for 5-6 hours a day.
The perks were great though. We got to meet a lot of players. As one of the only people working there that actually planned on getting my HS diploma, I think my B/C average allowed me to get assigned different duties tat most of the other team members.
One time I did “security” (when I was 17 I was probably 5’6 240 NBD) for 3 Hispanic players. So for three straight hours I stood there with Jose Valentin, Magglio Ordonez, and a third player I forget, watching them sign autographs, with me chuckling when they chuckled, pretending to understand everything they were joking about. Pinche guey.
I will say, most of the family members and players were really nice and down to earth (fuck you, David Wells). The Thome family as well as the Buehrle family really sticks out as being overly nice. The awkward part was that Mark’s sister was a smoke, but she had his same exact eyes, so that caused a bit of awkwardness and confusion between my brain and my dick.
At the United Center, when I worked there, the Bulls and Hawks STUNK. I remember AJ Guyton flirting with one of my v attractive co-workers, who was probably 16 at the time. One day during shoot-arounds he came all the way up to the concourse to talk to her. Pretty weird move if you ask me, but it fully explains why he didn’t have any success in the league. ADIDAS like you read about.
I also was working the game when Shaq took a swing at Brad Miller. That was the 2nd closest I had ever been to being in a riot. Scroll to the bottom to read about Numero Uno.
The cool part about working at the United Center was the concerts. I saw U2, Paul McCartney among others. One time my gf at the time bought tix to see Weezer. I was positioned right by the stage, so she snuck me her camera. I took maybe 3 photos the whole night, but apparently someone in the band told security, and the Cops hasseled me and threatened me with legal action. It was the only pussy I had ever gotten, and I wasn’t about to get any more, so I refused to be a stool pigeon. We broke up that summer, but she had those memories forever, and I still had my balls. I’m married now, so those are long gone.
The funniest thing I ever witnessed though was at a Neil Diamond concert. If you haven’t been to the UC, there are basically 3 levels and the escalator stops at each floor where a 50 foot area is so that people can either keep going up or head to the 200 level seats. Not rocket science, or so you wouldn’t think. Well, when the doors opened, the 70 year old GMilfs trying to S Neil’s D, combined with the old people trying to use escalators in general, folks we nearly had an E2 situation. I feared for my life – being trampled by a 73 year old retiree named Jack had never crossed my mind. People were falling over, and began piling on top of each other. I fought my way through the bingo crowd, and was able to shut off the escalator. I had never seen anything like it. It was like the beaches at Normandy. Glad I survived to tell the tale. The power of Sweet Caroline is unmatched.